As I become more settled here in Cork, time has begun to slow down. Life is less of a whirlwind and more comfortable and routine. After booking my tickets and housing for spring break, I realized what limited means I have, and am therefore terrified to travel until then. I have been taking day trips still and focusing energies on some of my internal obstacles while I dive deeper into my new home. As I now find myself completely independent with no pressing schedule or responsibilities, I have found it fruitful to ask myself the big question of “why am I here? What do I hope to accomplish for myself?” And thus begins my meditative journey not just through Ireland, but also through myself. When my life was a whirlwind and I was travelling and still unfamiliar with my setting, I found my entire world to be absolute chaos. I lost my key 3 times, I was drinking like a fish (but I mean, I’m in Ireland), I left my glasses in a different city, my phone was constantly dying, and I was walking through my days in a scatterbrained daze without a plan or a thought. I had begun to float. I noticed a downward slope that occurred very slowly. Because life actually settled very quickly for me, I just didn’t realize it. Things slowed down after about 3 weeks or a month here, but once they did, I didn’t go out searching for much more. I maintained the mindset I had upon my first arrival, which was much akin to freefalling, waiting for life to happen to me. I found myself scattered and thoughtless, never focusing my mind on any goals. Then, recently, I found myself very idle. I wondered how this could happen, because I am in Ireland! Then I realized, idleness doesn’t just “happen,” and nor does action. They are choices we make. I maintained the mindset I had upon my first arrival, which was much akin to freefalling, waiting for life to happen to me. I have become very close with one girl here named Megan. I have met other people and have hung out with them, yet Megan is the only person I have found a worthwile connection with. Most people don’t seem to be on my wavelength. Every girl I have met so far has found some foreign beauty (or multiple) to love for a few months or a new addiction to blacking out. The old lady in me is past all that, and I didn’t come here for the same sex, drugs, and alcohol drama I can get at home. I came for peace and understanding within. I came to prove my independence and to feel that breathless moment at the foot of an old castle. I came for goosebumps sitting by the seashore. I came to lay in the blinding green grass of the velvety hills. But I also came for internal discovery as much as external. Megan left for some solo travel last weekend, leaving me like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone. I found myself murmuring utterances to myself in my room because I had gone days without talking to someone. I produced some of the best art and literature I’ve done in ages, and I also found myself so deeply buried in thoughts I felt very, very heavy. Some of my anxious habits grew rampant in that time, many without me even noticing. After an argument and very honest conversation with my boyfriend back home during the same weekend, I conducted diligent introspection upon my habits, my thought processes, and my goals. I’m a very introspective person, and still I recall these thoughts as some of the most difficult to face and some of the most honest self-reflection I have ever had. Following this, I was able to finish off the weekend with some beautiful meditation about what I want for myself, here and in the future, and how I can make it happen. Since my meditation I have become more detail oriented, focusing on goals, time-management, and taking action. I still spend quite a bit of time alone, so I am currently practicing becoming comfortable with my thoughts. I had an epiphany that my anxious thoughts are not nice ones. They are hurtful and destructive, and they are in no way the way I would speak to a friend or someone I love. Therefore, my practice has been focusing on being friends with myself and coexisting comfortably with the parts of my mind that challenge me and test me. With the support of my mom who has seen me breakdown countless times about things like this, and my loving and gentle boyfriend at home, I have found so much courage that I didn’t know I lacked or lost. I feel fearless against myself and I am constantly working to take action while I am here and never waste a second with negativity. I have started working out diligently, I am working to eat healthier, and I have become more conscious of my anxious habits, which is the first step in stopping them. I find myself chasing daily goals, which makes it easier to fill idle time. I find myself comfortable in my own presence and finding so much more sunshine in this rainy place. I begin every day and end every night with sun salutation, where my breath begins with the statement of my intention: mindfulness, intention, control, and self-love. Those words radiate through my heart all day, setting a higher goal on their own. It makes me proud to say that through both painful and beautiful meditation, I have answered the question of why I am here, and through all of these practices I am seeking to live to that standard every day. Yesterday, at the suggestion of my boyfriend, I took a day trip to Kinsale, my favorite city in Southern Ireland. I told him I wasn't going to go because it was supposed to rain, and I ended up having one of the best days on my trip so far. I went to my favorite cafe there and had eggs benedict and tea. I spoke to a very kind toothless Irishman, I walked about 3km up a very steep hill but good lord was it beautiful. I smelled the flowers in someone's very well-maintained garden, and I found this little mushroom outside of the 12 acre fort on the top of the hill where I think I left a piece of my heart. To top it all off, I treated myself to a mid-afternoon brew on the beach and watched kids and families laugh and play on the rocks. My heart felt full, and it felt good using my own energy to fill it. I reminded myself of that courage and lightness I briefly lost.
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